So I’ve been having a difficult time lately, moving back and forth between Canada with my husband and Illinois with my parents, the immigration process, and a general feeling of “I haven’t accomplished anything with my life!”
Along with my usual issues and everyday things that annoy me, the above things have been heavy on my mind for over a year now. So I’ve learned to live around them I guess, even though immigrating to Canada has kind of steered my life and the choices I make (as far as working/ going back to school). But I really have felt like a shell of my former self for a long time due to current and past events. I even feel like I look old from it! I’m always nervous about something or mad or stressed.
So as I was taking my smoking walk (where I sneak through the alleyways sucking down a secretive cigarette after dinners) I was rehashing a fallout with a college friend. The issue has annoyed me ever since it happened, especially because- even though the said ‘falling out’ was clearly the end of a friendship, this girl still writes me occasionally- writes me shallow pointless notes that signal anything but a reconcilliation- but anyway, I was thinking about how much this girl annoys me and how dumb she is, and then I thought very clearly almost saying it outloud to myself “she is so concerned with what other people think that she doesn’t have any real feelings of her own.” And then I stopped in my tracks because, HELLO?! That’s ME. It might be her too, but that was a very clear message from my brain to me that I have been way too concerned with what other people think, and in turn have lost myself!
It seems obvious maybe, but I have been much too concerned with how my husband looks at me, what his parents and family thinks of me, what my extended family thinks, what The Girlfriends at the hockey games think, and I could go on and on. So, honestly, how does one stop caring what other people think? Why can’t I just pick up and go do what I want (go to school somewhere warm, get a good job, sign up for a yoga retreat overseas, etc.)? I’m always too busy worrying about how stupid I look, and end up looking stupid because I am putting my life completely on hold.
Forget that, time to stop it.
