I’m back

After a brief hiatus (travelling from my home in Canada back to my parents’ house in Chicago to start the dreaded IMMIGRATION PROCESS from here) and a general lack of material, I am back to my blog.  I was also a little pissed about some nasty comments I received here- defending Kat Von D of all people!  But then I realized that if I hate Kat Von D, then I probably hate her fans too- therefore, I do not have to give them the time of day AND I can delete whatever comments I want to!  So HA!  If you want to write something nasty just don’t bother, because it will be deleted.

Anyway, I’m back, working at my old job (at a Floral Shop), living with my parents once again, and getting all my papers in order to send in to the mysterious Canadian Immigration office (I imagine that it looks like the Emerald City in the Wizard of Oz, and instead of the floating head of Joel Grey it’s Stephen Harper).  So begins the final chapter of my immigration journey and the second book of “I’m too old to be living with my parents”

… Let the games begin!

Marc Emery- Important for Pot heads!!

If you live in Canada, you may have heard of Marc Emery, the Prince of Pot.  If you live in the United States you may have heard of him too, although when I am in the US I never see any news coverage about him, 60 minutes did a show but that’s about it.

Anyway, Marc Emery is a Canadian Marijuana activist.  He opened Hemp BC in Vancouver, and also started Pot TV.  He is very passionate about legalizing marijuana and what’s not to love about that?  Read more about him here.

Anyway, along with his other accomplishments, Emery also sold marijuana seeds online.  In 2005, the United States DEA went into Canada and closed down Emery’s shop and seed business.  The United States went into Canada and enforced US LAW in CANADA???!!  YES!  Because, seeds were sold to customers in the United States.

Since then, Emery has been facing a possible life term in prison(under US law)- and today accepted a plea deal that would result in him spending 5-10 years in prison.  He did this to (obviously keep him out of a life term) AND to keep his two colleagues from having to serve sentences as well- one of his fellow activists who faced jail time has Crohn’s disease, and uses the drug to alleviate symptoms.  Just like millions of chronically ill people could benefit from.  I think if your condition is chronic, you should get a little chronic.

But what is wrong with this picture?  If you are a fellow pot head, you have probably come across a seed or two in your day.  Now, what would a weed lover do with a wayward seed?  Plant it!  And then you get a little sprout and your practically selling your crop already, and then you wake up 3 days later and your precious little sprout is flopped over dead.  It’s f-ing hard to grow pot!  You need a specific set-up and even the most basic equipment can be expensive.  So my guess is that over half of the US customers were probably stoners like me who think pot is as easy to grow as a Chia Pet, and produced no crop from these illegal seeds.  But does the United States care?  No, because the government refuses to recognize that pot is not on the same level as heroin and as usual, we make it our job to stick our nose in the business of other countries.  So I guess we’d rather import weed instead of have it grown at home.

I am outraged that Marc Emery has to serve jail time at all, what a criminal!  Rapists serve less time than him!  And I’m outraged that we are living in this nightmare world where alcohol and cigarettes are legal and BOTH can kill you, but a PLANT that is never fatal, is not addictive, and has no negative health effects is treated like a WMD. 

No wonder kids are dying from things like huffing and the choking game, Jesus if they had a couple joints on hand like normal teenagers are supposed to we wouldn’t have all these freaky accidents!  MySpace wouldn’t run their young lives and video games wouldn’t be turning young men into owl-eyed, nocturnal, I-can’t-change-a-flat-but-I-can-work-a-machine-gun-in-halo, and girls into catty text-messaging Paris Hilton carbon copies (Paris smokes pot though, but I couldn’t think of anything else).  And adults could fucking relax once in a while instead of filling their time with work/tv/work/tv.  People could have a reason to get together and visit, instead of living isolated lives and only getting together for holidays. 

“Hey Neighbor, want to pop into my garage and want to help me smoke this joint?”

“Sure, I just got home from work and would love to experience human interaction instead of watching television until bed.  Crimeny, I just spend 8 hours staring at a computer and truthfully, I’m lonely.  My kids spent all night in their rooms watching tv, text-messaging, going on MySpace and huffing spraypaint.  And my wife just watches reality tv while drinking wine from a box.  When she isn’t doing that she’s busy buying the latest sheet set from the Martha Stewart collection.  I really don’t see my family at all, and we don’t laugh together anymore.”

“Well” says the joint-providing neighbor as they proceed into his garage, “my family used to have the same problem, and while my wife still has the occassional box of wine and my kids still have cybersex on MySpace with men my age, I have found solace in this special time I like to call After-Work-Daddy’s-In-The-Garage-Hour.  My family knows they can come into join me, and sometimes my wife does and we laugh and talk about funny things and split a bag of Doritos, it’s really helped our relationship”

“Wow, that sounds wonderful, perhaps I’ll occassionally do the same, it’s not that expensive and it’s not bad for you, and if it encourages interaction with me and my family then why wouldn’t I try it?” 

“You know, Neighbor, we live in a lonely world, and sometimes I think this little plant” (motioning to a small terrarium with 1 pot plant thriving) “is the only thing that truly helps me relax while living in this problem ridden society”

BOOM BOOM BOOM- garage door blows off it’s tracks- men wearing gas masks and weilding maching guns and shields burst in and immediately taser Neighbor and Neighbor with Joint.  Both men are currently serving 9 years in jail.

The End

JUST LEGALIZE IT ALREADY YOU FOOLS!  CANADA IS GETTING CLOSE, THE UNITED STATES NEEDS TO WAKE UP AND GET ITS PRIORITIES IN ORDER.

I guess I’ll go drink a liter of vodka and smoke a carton of cigarettes now, totally legal, totally acceptable.  Fucking backwards.

My Husband is an Asshole, Winter Sports

I love my husband, but he is an asshole too.  He is an asshole because he knows everything and is good at everything. 

Yes, I did know that:

Whenever I try and share something with him- like what a baby platypus is called (a puggle), the latest US political blunder, where the term “sell someone down the river” comes from- in any subject, about anything, he already knows.  

Sometimes I ask him questions just to see if he knows the answer- stupid questions that I just think up to test him, I really don’t need to know the answer- he knows the answer every time.  Most people would be impressed with his intellect, but I think he’s an asshole. 

Lately he can tell that I find it annoying (because, believe it or not, I’m quite vocal about things that bother me) and now before he says his usual yes, I did know that he gets an impish grin on his face, does a little jig, and then gleefully informs me that he was already aware of the information I wanted to share with him- actually, he did a report on it- and a field study- and published a book about it when he was 7.

Yes, my family knows that too:

Not only is he a walking encyclopedia, he’s also good at everything.  Any sport you can think of he can probably play better than you.  He could also outrun you, out weight lift you, jump higher, score more goals, and look better in his workout clothes than you ever could.  He sits around smoking pot and mainlining sugar ALL day, and then when I want to go for a jog or something he prances along the sidewalk like an elegant, stoned, white-tailed deer and chit chats about ho-hum things while I wheez and spit and get stomach cramps and eventually have to turn around after 20 minutes of near death cardiovascular torture.

I hate this constant mental and physical one-upping that I feel occurs no matter what I do between my husband and I.  It’s not serious, but it drives me crazy!  I’ve always held my own with mental and physical capabilities, but he blows any of my pre-existing knowledge and/ or physical prowress out of the water, and it really jacks my ego.

Merry Christmas, here’s a concussion:

This Christmas, I had the pleasure of being surrounded by this constant ego-checking.  His whole asshole family is good at everything and knows everything!  I’m pretty sure they have read every article ever published about anything between the 6 of them, and they are all athletic powerhouses.  They suck, and usually I’m the ‘in-shape one’, and for a brief time in elementary school I was even the ’smart one.’  So being surrounded with a bunch of geniuses in track pants for two weeks made me feel like a brain dead fat thigh.

THEN… I get the pleasure of skiing with my husband and his Dad.  In the Rocky Mountains.  Now I have been skiing once before, in Wisconsin when I was 14.  I thought I was good- but in case you don’t know- Wisconsin is not exactly known for it’s superior ski “hills.”  So after getting dressed up in a grab bag collection of old ski clothes donated to me by his sister, my husband dresses me up like a half rotten banana- yellow coat, black snowpants that are too big for me, and stupid mittens.  I hate mittens, but I have no option.

We arrive at the ski hill, I think the climb up to the parking lot is steeper than the last ski hill I was on.  We get our skis, mine barely come up to my chin because I marked “beginner” on the rental form- so they gave me the shortest skis possible, the only thing missing was a helmet and a bright orange “I don’t know how to stop” flag:

So, fully equipped and now fully terrified, I board the ski lift with my husband and father-in-law.  They briefly tell me what to focus on but spend the rest of the horrifying ride up the hill talking about articles they read.  We hop off the ski lift and I immediately fall to my knees and slowly tumble down the small dismount hill and halt at the large wooden map posted next to the skidoo ambulance thing.   Just take me now, medic!

After my husband picks me up we head towards one of the green hills, I was scared but I was doing really well!  I was doing the zig zag thing on my skis, and Husband and Father- In-Law were impressed.  I was happy. 

Then we go down a second time, I fall and lose a ski… Father-in-Law says he’ll meet us at the bottom, and husband decides now would be a good time to ski into the woods to pee.  I am left alone on this stupid fucking hill with one ski on, one off.  I try to get my ski back on myself, but fail since the hill is so steep and my legs are shaking like a new born foal’s.  I almost get my stupid foot into the stupid ski but then lose my balance and slowly start sliding backwards down the ski hill on my stomach, desperately gripping the powdery snow with my stupid mittens and mumbling “Dick” “Asshole” and “Mother Fucker” through my gritted teeth- then, speak of the devil, hubby emerges and seems surprised that I’m laying on my stomach hanging onto the hill still with only one ski on.  I begin to cry because I’m mad- which is the worst type of cry!!

I get my ski back on, finally, and we continue down the hill.  I have lost my nerve because I am so mad and embarrassed.  My husband suggests going down the long green hill, for a nice scenic and easy ski that will take a while; I agree.  We start going down and my husband, of course, pulls a joint out of his pocket.  He asks if I want to smoke it and I decline because, unless the snow needs to be eaten, me getting high on skis could benefit no one.  So we continue our decent, me trying to keep up my turning on stiff and shaky legs, my asshole husband lazily gliding down, both poles in one hand, joint in the other.  Who the fuck smokes a joint while they’re downhill skiing??!?  What an asshole. 

Then I fall, hard and fast, down a steep part.  I hit my head, lose both skis, and my spirit is officially broken.  I don’t want to ski anymore, my head hurts, and I fucking hate it when I’m bad at something.  So after being scared and crying once again, like a big baby on short skis, we continue to head downhill, I make it to the end slowly but surely, and after rolling very ungracefully down the front face of the hill where every skier has to join together as they head towards the main lift, I make it to the bottom.  We all have lunch together, and I graciously offer to hang out with the emo snowboarders and sip coffee while husband and father-in-law go enjoy themselves on some black diamonds.  In my head this offer sounded more like “how about the two of you ski bunnies go fuck off while I sit here and nurse my busted head and try to mentally will someone to offer my a cigarette.”

So that was my Christmas ski outing in the BC Rockies.  It was a massive failure in my eyes, and all I really remember about it is flying skis, my husband smoking a joint as I cling to life, and a mental note to bring cigarettes next time.

Ice Skating Sucked Too:

A similar incident happened a few days earlier when my husband thought it would be cute to take me ice skating for the first time.  That ended very quickly, and I will never do it again.  Immediately after lacing up my skates for me my husband leaves towards the rink, leaving me there!  I try to take a step forward (I was standing in snow on skates) and immediately slip and fall ankles up onto my back- coming very close to slicing a toddler who was getting ready on the bench next to me.  Husband laughs, thought I was capable of walking on my skates.  Asshole.  We start to skate and I am pretty sure ice skating is the most boring thing ever. 

Whee, I get to practice my death grip on my husband’s arm while using muscles in my feet to grip a piece of sharpened metal that is 1/8 of an inch thick, and all while shitty little kids amuse themselves by shooting hockey pucks in between my non-bending legs. 

Fin.

And that’s it for winter sports that I had the privilege of trying while visiting BC for the holidays.  After all that I was walking with a limp, and seriously damaged psychologically.  And that is why my husband is an asshole, because he is good at everything and so is his family, and when I am around them I feel like an absent-minded, inbred, golden retriever with three legs.

Disclaimer:  I can’t believe I even have to write this- but have gotten a couple weird comments- so I would just like to remind everyone that I love my husband very much, and when I call him an “asshole” it’s nothing serious, it’s just joking around!  Geez people.

Immigration Update

Alright, here is the background information:

• I’m a US citizen
• My husband is Canadian
• I want to live in Canada with him
• Immigrating sucks

So after trying every way possible to stay together during my immigration process- I have come to realize that there is no easy way to do so.  Last winter I “moved” here and thought applying for Permanent Residency would be easy/ no big deal.  Wrong.  Came back home with my parents in Illinois. 

I have been researching how to do this crap for a year now, and after coming to Saskatchewan and trying to get a job then apply for PR from within Canada and that FAILING after 12 weeks of waiting, I have accepted the fact that I must return home once again and file from outside of Canada.

I have to fill out a stack of paperwork (which I am 90% done with- yay), provide pictures and any other type of documentation that proves I did not marry my husband for his wealth (ha!) or for a better life in Canada (HAHA!), get an immigrant medical examination in Chicago (checking to see I have all my teeth, am not HIV +, crazy, a TB carrier, an alien, or infected in any other way), pay $1000, and then I’m done!  How easy?!  Then I get to wait 3-11 months for the verdict. 

I feel stupid for not doing this sooner, but honestly- it’s hard and time consuming!  Plus until recently I was thinking it took 2 years to process  and didn’t know where I should be before committing to that, AND if you fill out the forms wrong or forget something you can totally screw yourself over.  AND I didn’t know I had to get a medical examination, didn’t have the money, and we weren’t married until last June and if we were to apply as common law partners before then we really didn’t have enough documentation to prove it (shared bills, bank accounts- you can’t get that stuff in a country where you aren’t a citizen!). 

It has just been so incredibly difficult to get accurate help and get straight answers… so if ANYONE or anyone you know is trying to live or work in Canada feel free to contact me because I will help you!  I feel sorry for anyone else in a similar situation… especially when these Canadians keep shipping their cute hockey players to US schools!  But anyway, if you too are immigrating and have questions or are seeking tips- I would be happy to help.