Huckabee Humor

In an article I was reading about creepy Mike Huckabee giving a speech to a group of white supremacists,  I was disgusted as usual by his behavior but I also read this, which I thought was hilarious for some reason:

“If somebody came to Arkansas and told us what to do with our flag, we’d tell them what to do with the pole. That’s what we’d do.”

I don’t like Mike Huckabee, at all, but funny is funny.

Weird Dream

*This is gross*

I had the most bizarre dream last night, and I think it has to do with my new interest (I would not categorize it as an obsession) with Jeff Bridges and his website. 

My Dream:

I was driving around a subdivision, and then my belly button started to hurt, I knew I had to get to a bathroom and take out my belly button ring- that was obviously the problem.  I happened to be in front of Jeff Bridges’ house, which was really nice by the way.  I knocked on the door and his wife (I guess?) answered.  I asked her if I could please use her bathroom, I had a piercing and had to get to a bathroom right away.  For some reason she let me in, and I went to the bathroom- it was bright yellow- and my belly button (which was also a penis- don’t judge me!  You know how dreams are!!) was obviously messed up, and I couldn’t even see the top part of the ring anymore, and it was disgusting and pussy. 

I stayed in the bathroom a while because I was freaking out, and then someone opened the door and it was Jeff Bridges’ daughter, who looked a lot like Chastity Bono.  I left, and told Jeff’s wife on the way out that I was a big fan of his but not weird about it, so I wasn’t going to stick around and wait for him to get home or anything.

That was my dream, it was weird and kind of gross, and when I woke up my penis was gone!  What the hell?

If anyone has a dream book and can interpret this I would love to hear what the hell that dream could mean.

My Husband is an Asshole, Winter Sports

I love my husband, but he is an asshole too.  He is an asshole because he knows everything and is good at everything. 

Yes, I did know that:

Whenever I try and share something with him- like what a baby platypus is called (a puggle), the latest US political blunder, where the term “sell someone down the river” comes from- in any subject, about anything, he already knows.  

Sometimes I ask him questions just to see if he knows the answer- stupid questions that I just think up to test him, I really don’t need to know the answer- he knows the answer every time.  Most people would be impressed with his intellect, but I think he’s an asshole. 

Lately he can tell that I find it annoying (because, believe it or not, I’m quite vocal about things that bother me) and now before he says his usual yes, I did know that he gets an impish grin on his face, does a little jig, and then gleefully informs me that he was already aware of the information I wanted to share with him- actually, he did a report on it- and a field study- and published a book about it when he was 7.

Yes, my family knows that too:

Not only is he a walking encyclopedia, he’s also good at everything.  Any sport you can think of he can probably play better than you.  He could also outrun you, out weight lift you, jump higher, score more goals, and look better in his workout clothes than you ever could.  He sits around smoking pot and mainlining sugar ALL day, and then when I want to go for a jog or something he prances along the sidewalk like an elegant, stoned, white-tailed deer and chit chats about ho-hum things while I wheez and spit and get stomach cramps and eventually have to turn around after 20 minutes of near death cardiovascular torture.

I hate this constant mental and physical one-upping that I feel occurs no matter what I do between my husband and I.  It’s not serious, but it drives me crazy!  I’ve always held my own with mental and physical capabilities, but he blows any of my pre-existing knowledge and/ or physical prowress out of the water, and it really jacks my ego.

Merry Christmas, here’s a concussion:

This Christmas, I had the pleasure of being surrounded by this constant ego-checking.  His whole asshole family is good at everything and knows everything!  I’m pretty sure they have read every article ever published about anything between the 6 of them, and they are all athletic powerhouses.  They suck, and usually I’m the ‘in-shape one’, and for a brief time in elementary school I was even the ’smart one.’  So being surrounded with a bunch of geniuses in track pants for two weeks made me feel like a brain dead fat thigh.

THEN… I get the pleasure of skiing with my husband and his Dad.  In the Rocky Mountains.  Now I have been skiing once before, in Wisconsin when I was 14.  I thought I was good- but in case you don’t know- Wisconsin is not exactly known for it’s superior ski “hills.”  So after getting dressed up in a grab bag collection of old ski clothes donated to me by his sister, my husband dresses me up like a half rotten banana- yellow coat, black snowpants that are too big for me, and stupid mittens.  I hate mittens, but I have no option.

We arrive at the ski hill, I think the climb up to the parking lot is steeper than the last ski hill I was on.  We get our skis, mine barely come up to my chin because I marked “beginner” on the rental form- so they gave me the shortest skis possible, the only thing missing was a helmet and a bright orange “I don’t know how to stop” flag:

So, fully equipped and now fully terrified, I board the ski lift with my husband and father-in-law.  They briefly tell me what to focus on but spend the rest of the horrifying ride up the hill talking about articles they read.  We hop off the ski lift and I immediately fall to my knees and slowly tumble down the small dismount hill and halt at the large wooden map posted next to the skidoo ambulance thing.   Just take me now, medic!

After my husband picks me up we head towards one of the green hills, I was scared but I was doing really well!  I was doing the zig zag thing on my skis, and Husband and Father- In-Law were impressed.  I was happy. 

Then we go down a second time, I fall and lose a ski… Father-in-Law says he’ll meet us at the bottom, and husband decides now would be a good time to ski into the woods to pee.  I am left alone on this stupid fucking hill with one ski on, one off.  I try to get my ski back on myself, but fail since the hill is so steep and my legs are shaking like a new born foal’s.  I almost get my stupid foot into the stupid ski but then lose my balance and slowly start sliding backwards down the ski hill on my stomach, desperately gripping the powdery snow with my stupid mittens and mumbling “Dick” “Asshole” and “Mother Fucker” through my gritted teeth- then, speak of the devil, hubby emerges and seems surprised that I’m laying on my stomach hanging onto the hill still with only one ski on.  I begin to cry because I’m mad- which is the worst type of cry!!

I get my ski back on, finally, and we continue down the hill.  I have lost my nerve because I am so mad and embarrassed.  My husband suggests going down the long green hill, for a nice scenic and easy ski that will take a while; I agree.  We start going down and my husband, of course, pulls a joint out of his pocket.  He asks if I want to smoke it and I decline because, unless the snow needs to be eaten, me getting high on skis could benefit no one.  So we continue our decent, me trying to keep up my turning on stiff and shaky legs, my asshole husband lazily gliding down, both poles in one hand, joint in the other.  Who the fuck smokes a joint while they’re downhill skiing??!?  What an asshole. 

Then I fall, hard and fast, down a steep part.  I hit my head, lose both skis, and my spirit is officially broken.  I don’t want to ski anymore, my head hurts, and I fucking hate it when I’m bad at something.  So after being scared and crying once again, like a big baby on short skis, we continue to head downhill, I make it to the end slowly but surely, and after rolling very ungracefully down the front face of the hill where every skier has to join together as they head towards the main lift, I make it to the bottom.  We all have lunch together, and I graciously offer to hang out with the emo snowboarders and sip coffee while husband and father-in-law go enjoy themselves on some black diamonds.  In my head this offer sounded more like “how about the two of you ski bunnies go fuck off while I sit here and nurse my busted head and try to mentally will someone to offer my a cigarette.”

So that was my Christmas ski outing in the BC Rockies.  It was a massive failure in my eyes, and all I really remember about it is flying skis, my husband smoking a joint as I cling to life, and a mental note to bring cigarettes next time.

Ice Skating Sucked Too:

A similar incident happened a few days earlier when my husband thought it would be cute to take me ice skating for the first time.  That ended very quickly, and I will never do it again.  Immediately after lacing up my skates for me my husband leaves towards the rink, leaving me there!  I try to take a step forward (I was standing in snow on skates) and immediately slip and fall ankles up onto my back- coming very close to slicing a toddler who was getting ready on the bench next to me.  Husband laughs, thought I was capable of walking on my skates.  Asshole.  We start to skate and I am pretty sure ice skating is the most boring thing ever. 

Whee, I get to practice my death grip on my husband’s arm while using muscles in my feet to grip a piece of sharpened metal that is 1/8 of an inch thick, and all while shitty little kids amuse themselves by shooting hockey pucks in between my non-bending legs. 

Fin.

And that’s it for winter sports that I had the privilege of trying while visiting BC for the holidays.  After all that I was walking with a limp, and seriously damaged psychologically.  And that is why my husband is an asshole, because he is good at everything and so is his family, and when I am around them I feel like an absent-minded, inbred, golden retriever with three legs.

Disclaimer:  I can’t believe I even have to write this- but have gotten a couple weird comments- so I would just like to remind everyone that I love my husband very much, and when I call him an “asshole” it’s nothing serious, it’s just joking around!  Geez people.

10 Things You Don’t Know About Women by Sarah Silverman

1. We go to the bathroom together because we’re doing coke.

2. We want to cuddle after sex because we’re fucking freezing.

3. Makeup gets you high.

4. The “menstrual cramp” is a made-up phenomenon. Like the “Holocaust.”

5. Not all women like crappy, sappy movies. Unfortunately, many do. Which is why they get made. So, ultimately, you can actually blame women for the perpetuation of mediocrity in film.

6. Vaginas have a hidden pocket for change. (Not coins, social change.)

7. Our eyes are up here.

8. We hate our thighs because, interestingly enough, they opposed our right to vote.

9. Women who get boob jobs “for themselves” also give blow jobs “for themselves.”

10. The labia minora is not Hanukkah paraphernalia.