Maternal Instincts

I get this sick feeling in my stomach whenever I hear that someone I know is pregnant/ had a baby.  In the past year 7 people I know have had babies- and I don’t know why but I almost get pissed about it!  The same thing happens when I meet the babies, an ill feeling followed by guilt and discomfort.  Can an antacid cure that…?

I’ve always been that way, I remember when my cousin had a baby when I was around 10 or so, and while we were visiting her parents I went to spend the night at her house with her and her new baby.  It was awful!  I hate the sound of lullabies, and she breast fed in front of me which I also found disturbing- I just remember hearing that sucking sound with rock-a-bye baby playing in the background.  I remember eventually having a breakdown saying I missed my mom and wanted to go home, I did NOT want to sleep over.  I don’t remember if my mom came to get me or if I stayed but ever since then I get the same feeling whenever I’m around a pregnant person or find out someone I know/knew is having a baby.

Two years ago I became friends with a girl who was pregnant when we met, and she was fun to hang out with when she was pregnant- she was really funny and goofy, I think it was the pregnancy hormones or something because she was just so fucking hilarious.  Then the baby came and she was so cute and I loved her but I was just generally uncomfortable being around them and dealing with all the baby stuff- and she also breast fed in front of me all the time!  Why!?  Isn’t that personal?  What do I have to do with it- I should have no involvement in that bonding time.  We eventually lost touch because she drove me nuts (the mom, not the baby) with all the stressful baby visits.  She would bring her infant over to my house and stay for like, eight hours.  I’m not kidding.  That is too long to have a baby and your milk-boobs around me, I’m sorry.

Then I found out that I friend I had lost touch with after college had a baby, and was weirded out then too.  Then a girl from high school I kind of knew, then a cousin, then another cousin!, then my husband’s cousin, and now I just found out that a friend from high school had a baby in November. 

So I have to visit these people (especially the cousins), and they make me hold their babies even though I tell them I don’t want to because I make them cry.  Then they force me to anyway and, right on cue, the baby senses my disgust and starts bawling.  Then we have to visit and stare at the baby while he or she does whatever it is that is so entertaining (they’re cute and all but a month old baby doesn’t really have the same entertainment abilities as someone who can talk and use the potty), and then I leave and have to deal with this sick feeling for the rest of the night.

I don’t know why babies and people who have them weird me out so much, but there is nothing that makes me more uncomfortable than baby supplies, people who think all I want to hear about and/or see is breastfeeding, stomach-touching, and the baby smell.  Maybe it’s because people change so much after they become parents, or maybe because the whole sentimental part disturbs me (just like any other kind of sentimental moment).

I feel like a monster for feeling like this!  I’m a woman so I should automatically be a baby lover right?  Well newsflash, I’m sorry but I don’t want to hear about your udders, and I don’t want to hold your baby.  Congratulations but just let me sit there quietly while everyone else fusses, I feel ill.

I would probably like to have kids some day, and I wont be afraid to hold my own baby I’m sure, but at this point in my life I honestly want nothing to do with babies- almost like I’m afraid I’m going to ‘catch it’ or something, I don’t know.  I can’t help it, I’m not impressed that women are doing what women have been doing since the beginning of time, and I am really not interested in having people breastfeed in front of me, I don’t care if you have a blanket over yourself, I can still hear it!  Give me a warning and I will leave, you stay there and do your thing.

So my apologies to all you new parents out there, I can’t help the way I feel- which is grossed out.  Maybe I’m immature, maybe I have some kind of emotional issue (what else is new!), or maybe I just don’t like breastfeeding.  I haven’t figured it out yet but until I do would you please just treat me like a teenage boy and not expose me to that kind of thing.

Thank you.

Homeless Teenagers and My Couch

As I sit here waiting for my sofa to be delivered, my back crying out in pain for Sears to hurry up- because I am sick of sitting on the floor- I can’t help but think of something I’ve been seeing every day for the past two weeks… the homeless teenagers on a street a few blocks from my apartment.

About two weeks ago I went to 7/11 to secretly buy a pack of cigarettes (everyone thinks I quit).  As I beelined to the store, I was almost there when my path was nearly obstructed by a shopping cart full of crap, two dogs, and a girl sitting on the sidewalk.  The girl nicely asked if I had any change, and I looked at her- no matter how much of an asshole you are, when you look at a homeless person you can’t help but feel like more of an asshole just because you aren’t in their situation- and I told her I would give her some once I made my purchase.  I couldn’t give her the 20 in my purse, dammit!  I’m unemployed and poor too!  So I went and bought my scandalous cigarettes and then when I came back outside she was joined by her boyfriend (assuming) and so I gave them some change (not much, since fucking Canadian cigarettes will pretty much cost you your first born) and pet their dogs, and went home. 

I felt bad because they were young, one with dread locks, one with a mohawk- both expressing themselves in a way that I would never have the guts to do- and they were very polite.  It made me sad.  I felt bad for the dogs too…

So then I saw this little young homeless family asleep on the bridge a few days later, a few blocks from where I saw them the first time.  It was late and I wondered how easy it was for homeless people to sleep in like that.

So I’ve been thinking about these kids for a while… what is their story?  Where are their parents?  Where did they get those dogs from?  I see homeless people a lot here, but for some reason these two were different I guess.  Not that my heart doesn’t break every time I see someone without a home… maybe it’s just because they had dogs?  I don’t know.

But over the past few days, as I walk down this particular street- which is probably the most “trendy” one in the city I guess, there are some cool clothing stores, a head shop, and some cozy bars- and notice this mix of dreadlocks, dogs, and teenagers in combat boots is growing.  There they sit, lazily asking for a cigarette here and there, some with signs, some with their belongings in a pile next to them, and I don’t know how many dogs.  But it makes me wonder what the hell they’re doing?  They must have some education, they all seem to be friends with each other, and they’re citizens of Canada… so I’m wondering what is keeping them from working?  And again, where are their parents?  This situation just doesn’t seem like the more common homeless scenario- just working to make ends meet, then you get fired or sick or in legal trouble, forcing you to live on the streets… or a drug problem or mental illness or something that keeps you from being able to support yourself… I don’t know, there are TONS of reasons why people are homeless… and I hate it, and I wish I could fix it… but with this stylish group that is slowly taking over the hip street, I wonder what is keeping them from working?  There are so many jobs here, and couldn’t they maybe go stay with a friend or a family member and save money and get a place somewhere?  I just know that for me and my husband, we are POOR.  We have no extras, he’s not working because he’s in school and I’m not working yet because I am not a citizen here… but I found a job, and we’ve saved some money, and we work very hard.  So what is keeping these people from going somewhere and getting just something?  Why do I give them my money when honestly, I don’t see why they can’t work.   I am NOT saying this applies to all homeless people, no way… people get stuck in those situations, and oftentimes there is no way out for them.  These KIDS though, are clean, friendly, able-bodied, etc. and I don’t understand why they have decided to move out of whereever they were before (fights with parents can and should be resolved, have some respect/ friends they stay with can’t support them maybe?) and not have a job.  I just don’t see the point in going to the trendiest street in the city, parking in with your dogs and your friends who all have decent clothing, a shopping cart full of stuff, and what appears to be a perfectly capable head on your shoulders… maybe make the effort to get some help?  Extend a hand to one of the organizations around who help people like you!  Offer to volunteer in exchange for a little help or something?  For these specific kids, in this specific scenario… I wonder why you would ask for the money other people earned and cigarettes you shouldn’t smoke, and drag all these poor dogs around with you.  I don’t know… it’s just awful that so many people are homeless, but kids like that have no reason to get stuck there.  But I guess I don’t know what their story is… but from now on I will focus more time helping homeless people who have already exhaused every other avenue… not on kids who are probably just making a statement.  Sorry.

Lots of Bleeding

So my cousin’s wife had a baby last night… my aunt just called to tell me.  I think being pregnant and giving birth sounds gross, and don’t really like discussing whether or not they did it “vaginally” or “needed additional cutting.”  I have a hard time not acting like a 12 year old boy when people talk like that.  It makes me want to adopt. 

But anyway, she had the baby and we’re happy because it’s another girl to add to our team, we have been consistently outnumbering the boys in our family and fiercely defend this status.  It brings me to the subject of weird names I’ve been hearing lately, because they gave her a weird name… it’s not too bad, but it made me think of all the stupid ones out there…

I like individuality and unique-ness and all that, but do not find the names that are popular these days aesthetically pleasing.  All these stupid names that I can just picture yuppies slowly spitting out… like their trying to guess the next lyric of a song they don’t know- desperately trying to be stylish for once in their lives.  These names make no sense, and have too many vowels and pointy letters… like the letter “k.”  When the letter “K” and the letter “Y” are overused I get pissed and immediately do not like the child burdened with “Khaiylyn” or something annoying.  I’m not saying everyone has to be a “Mike” or a “Carol” or something… but dammit why can’t you pick a unique name that sounds nice, and doesn’t conjure up an image of shitty little blonde kids who probably have parents who freak out over not being able to send peanut butter with their kids to school.  “That is outrageous!  I don’t care if another child will go into anaphalactic shock if they look at a peanut, MY little ADHDysslinne won’t eat bologna!!” 

Seriously… don’t give your children names that will force people like me to look down on them.  I will probably be mean to them when I’m their camp counsellor anyway… so don’t make it worse.