10 Things You Don’t Know About Women by Sarah Silverman

1. We go to the bathroom together because we’re doing coke.

2. We want to cuddle after sex because we’re fucking freezing.

3. Makeup gets you high.

4. The “menstrual cramp” is a made-up phenomenon. Like the “Holocaust.”

5. Not all women like crappy, sappy movies. Unfortunately, many do. Which is why they get made. So, ultimately, you can actually blame women for the perpetuation of mediocrity in film.

6. Vaginas have a hidden pocket for change. (Not coins, social change.)

7. Our eyes are up here.

8. We hate our thighs because, interestingly enough, they opposed our right to vote.

9. Women who get boob jobs “for themselves” also give blow jobs “for themselves.”

10. The labia minora is not Hanukkah paraphernalia.

How to be assertive without being a Bitch

Women have the unfortunate disadvantage of being labelled a bitch when they’re really just trying to stand up for themselves.  I myself have this problem, and struggle with it every day.  While I may constantly fail at being considered ‘assertive’ and instead always get labelled a bitch, I still know the do’s and dont’s:

1.  Choose your battles.  As women, we have to always think ahead.  If something is bothering you and you want to change it, make sure it is important.  Is the thing that is bothering you very urgent and serious?  Or should you save your breath for something more important down the road.  Over-assertiveness will get you the Bitch Award overnight if you aren’t careful.

2.  Watch your tone.  Make sure you don’t come off as too forceful or too wimpy when you confront the person/people who are doing you wrong.  If you come off too forceful, not only will you come off as a bitch but your point will be quickly forgotten.  As women, people always assume we’re moody or hormonal.  If you come off as too upset- the person you’re directing your assertiveness towards will just think you’re in a bad mood, and won’t take your points to heart.  Don’t come off too wimpy or weak either, or else the same assumptions (moodiness, hormones) will be applied.

3.  Have several examples.  When something is upsetting you, make sure it has happened more than once.  People make mistakes, and if something bothers you and only happened once- then perhaps it’s too soon to call the person on it.  Make sure you can recall at least 3 separate occassions where the incident occured, and if the person seems confused or surprised that you’re bringing it up- you can list these occassions as ‘proof’.  And remember Rule #2 when you do this.  Don’t be whiny or nasty about it.

4.  Know what needs to be done to resolve the problem.  Don’t go into addressing a problem without having a solution in mind.  If you confront someone about something you want them to change, know what needs to be done to make both parties happy.  Especially with men, what you’re going to hear in response to your complaint is going to be “what do you want me to do” or something along those lines.  So make sure you have a suggestion ready.

5.  Say Thank you.  It is important to say ‘thank you’ after someone takes the time to listen to your issue.  Also make sure to acknowledge any positive changes that occur after the fact as well.  If someone makes the effort to change to help solve your issue, thank them.

How to not kill your significant other while PMSing

Since that first glorious day of womanhood (what a wonderful transition… 14 and in diapers again!) I have experienced PMS quite similar to demonic possession.

For years I have transformed from normal, well-adjusted girl to werewolf.  Screaming, crying, eating everything in sight, etc. etc…. you all know how it goes.  But to me PMS has been much more than a headache and being a little moody.  My PMS has hindered my life and left me virtually disabled for a week out of every month for the past 10 years. 

During this pre-menstrual psychosis my husband hides in fear, temporarily mute for fear of an outburst… moping around like an abused dog.  My mother fears answering the telephone, and spends countless hours telling me the same thing to calm me down- she doesn’t dare mention pms though for fear of me dramatically snapping back “no it’s not!  there’s something WRONG with me!  don’t you understand?!?!?”, and I pity any poor fool who dares to cut in front of me in line or whistle at me as I walk down the street.  Forget headaches and cramps… that would be wonderful.  When I have pms it’s like having a brain-eating fungus that transforms me into a giant female praying mantis. 

Then, after a few days or a week… back to normal.  Fine.  Great, actually, thanks for asking.  This is ridiculous, I should be able to function as a human being during this time, if I feel a little down then that’s okay… but my pms has affected my relationships with people, my jobs, my bank account, and my own opinion of myself! 

No prozac for me though…. enough failed attempts with pharmaceuticals have forced me to swear off anti-depressants… for me they made matters much much worse… another rant altogether.  PMDD commercials got me thinking… but again, I don’t want to have to get a prescription filled.  I may smoke and drink and try the occassional hallucinogen, but my body is a temple (insert irony)!  No way am I taking something actually prescribed to me!  (Silly I know, honest though!). 

So… after much research and experimentation, and my whole point here… I discovered Evening Primrose Oil.  My angel, my savior.  This supplement, for me, has saved my life.  I swear by it.  For some reason, taking three capsules of EPO every day has toned down my pms to normal levels.  I no longer find myself weeping on the floor, eating like an elephant, or violent.  This supplement, when taken correctly, works!  Of course, do your research, blah blah- don’t be an idiot.  But if you too, turn into a bloodthirsty maniac once a month and have not yet found a cure… talk to you doctor and give it a try.  It worked for me and probably prevented me from killing someone!  A much better alternative than a silver bullet or a stake through the heart.

Man v. Bitch

Why does everyone hate Hilary Clinton so much?  I don’t know much about her policies (I try to learn about politics but that part of my brain doesn’t work) but it seems like regardless of one’s political views, people hate her!  What did she do that is so awful, so much worse than any other politician?

I hate to play the “vagina card” here, but is it because she’s a woman?  Is it the classic problem of a man and woman doing the exact same thing, but when a man does it he is viewed as powerful and persevering, and when a woman does it she’s a bitch? 

Now I have no idea whether or not Hilary is the best choice, but I think it’s obvious that if more things were run by women the world would be a lot better.  Women are apparently (I watched this on some show the other night) biologically more advanced than men, and over the years WE have advanced and men have not.  So why aren’t we stepping up and taking charge a little more?  We’re probably afraid of what other girls would say!